Ugh, I want to write more, but I'm just too...full of information and thoughts regarding preparations...I hope to update this soon.

...to be wanted. And needed.

...for this all to work out.

...to be secure.

...to be protected...but not need to be.

...to be surprised. In the good way.

...to be capable.

...to be ready.

...to be held on to.

...to not be so torn.

...for them to be safe and healthy.

...for him to be content and happy.

...for me to just be okay.

But, here's the thing:

I called my boss on Friday after the memorial and told her that I needed to cut my time with her short (I had originally said that I would stay with her until the last day of June). She said that I should work Monday, and she'd she what she could do about the rest of the week. I reluctantly agreed. But, as I went through the weekend, my exhaustion, stress, and grief was piling up on me. I miss my grandpa, I've barely started packing, I have all sorts of appointments to make and get to, and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my family. So, I called my boss again (she never answers her phone, and she doesn't even have her employees' numbers programmed in), and left her a message saying I just can't do it anymore. I stated my reasons, thanked her for the opportunity, and assumed that was that. Only, she evidently couldn't comprehend. She left me a message saying she needed me to work Monday and, again, that she'd "see what she could do" about the rest of the week. It may sound immature, but I simply ignored her calls. I said what I had to say quite clearly - I quit, I didn't request time off! - and I knew that talking to her again would get me nowhere. She seemed to have gotten the hint after I didn't show up for work on Monday...

So now, my car's in the shop getting all ready for New Hampshire. The horn and cruise control are getting fixed, oil changed, the tires will be replaced and the front end realigned...

I've agreed to do a couple of jobs for my dad, painting window frames and a railing.

I still have a ton of packing to do.

I need to thoroughly clean my car, inside and out, when I get it back.

I'm working on my dad's Father's Day gift.

I have to see the eye doctor and get new contacts ordered, as well as see about getting a supply of my prescriptions from my regular doc.

I need to get in touch with my boss in New Hampshire to see where things are.

I may be taking an old high school friend's engagement photos.

I need to visit my sister and niece before I leave.

Etcetera.

I'm busy. But I'm not freaking out, not having second thoughts, and that's good.

What an adventure. And it's barely even started.

Here's my apartment:

The Entryway

Bathroom

Kitchen angle 1

Kitchen angle 2

Living Space angle1

Living Space angle 2

Living Space angle 3

Closet angle 1

Closet angle 2

Closet angle 3

Living Space angle 4

Living Space angle 5

What a long way I've come. I blush with a bit of embarrassment at the childishness of my first few months of posting. I was in the middle of my transition from a kid who never really fit with her peers to a woman...who never really fit with her peers :-P. I have a four-year album of my life, my vision, my journey, with moments of inspiration, melancholy, hope, fear, hate, beauty, heart, and lots of growth. I went from the still setting on a video camera to a full-blown digital SLR complete with a small arsenal of lenses, and a little bit of photographic knowledge. I went from aspiring for over a year to just get ONE featured photo (sadly, it and several subsequent others are no longer marked as such), to being honored as an OG and being credited with 90 featured photos to date.

I almost left once. When Buzznet began its transition from 'Photo Community' to 'Music Community Band photos videos journals and interviews' it was rough, and lots of people pledged exodus to Flickr. Many followed  through completely, and others, like myself, began a dual citizenship of sorts. But the truth is, while some of my dearest friends are gone from here and I will always carry a bit of sadness with that fact, I love this place. Even when my activity wanes, I drop in often to see what's going on. I know I'm not one of the memorable, supercool members here anymore, if I ever was, but I'm still here. I contribute when I have something to say or showcase, and I do my best to support my friends here.

With this new year comes opportunities for change in my life. I plan to share the journey with all of you.

Happy New Year, friends :)

I don't like this photo. Yet, someone wants to publish it. Compensation would be a signed copy of the book and an invite to the release party, by the way.

I'm leaning toward saying no, but I'd like some input first, so I'd appreciate hearing what you think :)

I am selling my current camera, Jupiter, to a friend of mine (makes me sad, I am quite attached to this camera).

I'm very excited, but spending that kind of money HURTS!

New camera shall be called Saturn.

May he serve me well...

This is a difficult subject for me, moods and habits. But I think it will be good for me to share a bit, though probably not as much as I could.

Here’s the thing: my emotions are INTENSE. In general, they are centered around sorrow, love, dissatisfaction, hesitation, and self-hatred. At this point in my life, I am a very sad person. Most of the time, I can keep myself together during the day, but at night I tend to fall apart. Once everyone else in the house goes to bed, I wallow in my insomniac discontent. This isn’t by choice. If I could, I’d drop off to sleep and let it all play out in my dreams, but it takes hours past the time I decide to go to bed to actually get to sleep. Instead I am flooded with emotion and become completely restless. On a good night, I can sit in bed and read a book until I can no longer keep my eyes open. On a bad night I am forced to scribble the constant flow of thoughts on paper to keep my brain from exploding, or get up and pace angrily, wanting to rip something to pieces. The other night I took the wallet I recently replaced and cut at it with scissors until I could tear the rest of it apart with my bare hands. It felt good…in a scary sort of way.

There are too many negative thoughts in my head. I overanalyze everything. I think, rethink, and think again about a thousand thoughts at once. I am an obsessive thinker and a negative self-talker. ‘Happy’ is not in my vocabulary. I can be ‘fine’, ‘okay’, even ‘good’, but happy? Not yet. Not right now. I cry so much more than I ever used to, over what I used to think were the most stupid things. When did I become the person that cries listening to ‘Bleeding Love’? When did I become the person that listens to a song like ‘Bleeding Love’ all the way through????

I am a very isolated person. I am introverted and generally not interested in having a bunch of friends or a traditional social life, but I am completely alone, physically. I don’t have a single friend in my town (or my state) that I can call and hang out with. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. The people I love are all over the country. All over the world. I feel so blessed to know and be close to people I would never have met were it not for the internet, but the downside of that is missing them. Like I said, my emotions are intense. When I miss someone, I miss them HARD.

And when I love someone, platonically or otherwise, I love them with everything I am, without condition, with complete admiration, and complete bewilderment as to why I could ever expect the same or anything close in return.

I feel like a failure at life. Yes, I’m chronologically young, but there are so many my age and younger that are doing so much more than I ever have. Besides, age does not dictate how much time we have left. I’m terrified that I’ll die without having come anywhere near the adventurous life that I long for. Yet I’m too scared to plunge into that life.

Everything I’ve talked about here and more is constantly running through my head. When I’m especially anxious, I’ll find myself biting my fingernails. When I’m thinking about the composition of something (like this entry), I bite/suck on my lower lip. I also tend to peel the skin on my lip…it’s currently feeling pretty raw.

And even in all my thinking and obsessing about my realities, I have a habit of indulging in my imagination. From picturing what it will be like when I meet friends in person for the first time (please don’t judge the merits of such friendships), to playing out my dream of acting in movies, safely in my mind.

So, there’s some of it.

Portrait of me, taken by Ross Reyes

UPDATE:

We're supposed to find the positive and I almost completely left that out...Well, I do like my active imagination, it plays a huge role in my creativity, which I cherish. Destroying things in the middle of the night? I don't think it's too unhealthy. It's an outlet, and one where no one gets hurt. The sadness...I am working HARD on getting past this. There has been progress, and I have one or two wonderful people supporting me in my journey. You know who your real friends are when you're at your worst and it's cool to see that there really are some amazing people in this world. And the intensity of my emotions...the sadness may be awful, but my way of loving is beautiful to me, and I wouldn't ever change it.

Ooookay, this is going to be long.

Mental Profile. When I heard the title of this category I found myself struggling with finding a definition. Should I just talk about how I think? About my depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia? Should I talk about my creativity, or is that separate? Should I expound in regards to my empathic abilities and my brushes with (very) mild clairvoyance? Where does ‘mental’ stop and ‘soul’ begin? With all these things I’ve mentioned, I could write indefinitely. I seem to be tapped in to an endless reservoir of thoughts, emotions, ideas…But I’ll do my best to break I down into the most important and most concise elements to the topic.

First I’ll say, I’m certainly not anywhere close to perfect, but overall, I really love the person that I am and, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, I’m just going to straight out say what I think is ‘special’ about me, and say it proudly.

THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON:

I have mentioned this before. I am what’s known as a highly sensitive person, or HSP. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, “ Being an HSP means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing, and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although they may be). But your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. Being an HSP also means, necessarily, that you are more easily overstimulated, stressed out, overwhelmed.” This is just a short and vague description of the trait. Just 15 to 20% of the human population is HSP.